Happy Hump Day! I know I haven’t been as active posting on my blog as I wanted to be or started off being but I want to share somethings I was dealing with in hopes that it will not only shed light on myself but also help me and anyone reading this to grow as well.
I am currently STILL reading this book I started called “Wild and Free” by Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan. (Check it out, it’s on preorder until May 3rd when it’s released) In one of the chapters a phrase stood out to me “ If you’re not living in FREEDOM you’re living in FEAR.” It stuck out soo much that I wrote it on my whiteboard at work to consistently remind myself to get out of fear and into freedom. I have for the last month or more been living in a fear mindset not that I was literally out here scared of things but that I was holding myself back from the things that the lord had for me and promised me. I was holding back when it came to being confident in who he made me glimpses of confidence came out, glimpses of I got this came out but as soon as someone around me SOUNDED like they got it more than I did I reverted like a turtle back into my shell. I haven’t been much of a limelight type of person I would rather be the stagehand always have been that way so for me being assertive, being strong and being perseverant doesn’t come naturally I have to work at it, I have to pray on it and I have to trust the lord to be those things which I know I am not. The funny thing about it all is when I pray for him to word my mouth when I need to be assertive and strong and persevere he does just that he fixes situations when I honestly didn’t know how I got into them in the first place lol. But Fear still lingered it still had a hold on me while all this good was happening I was holding on to FEAR… What type of Fear you may be wondering… FEAR FROM LOVE, HURT, BEING BROKEN….
So this past weekend during Church there was a prayer line called for anybody who had been stressed out or discouraged over the week about anything. I went up there thinking about MY JOB…. Well what do you know… the lord confirmed just what I didn’t want to be confirmed (you know sometimes Jesus says out loud the things we already know in our spirit). That I did have fear in my heart and that fear was from ABUSE, if you have been a reader of my blog for some time you know my past story I have shared it before but I was literally dealing with some of these issues lately not abuse in the physical sense but I had been thinking I couldn’t move forward in my future with anyone romantically until I dealt with the issues in my past. So I had reached out to the person in my past for closure on the situation I literally told them how much damage I had let the situation to do me and my future. And do you know what for the first time EVER I got a genuine I am sorry and apology from this person, not in the sense of I want you back type of apology that people tend to give but a genuine I’m sorry I didn’t think it would do that to you. I was in a sense relieved but I knew that I still had some work to do with the lord to get it out. So when that was brought to the forefront this past weekend although the words were clear I knew already what I was dealing with. You know how as a child your mom tells you don’t touch the stove its hot, you see the fire you know they told you its hot… but you still touch it and cry because you now have 3rd degree burns… Funny but not funny but I had to be extreme. Yeah that is or well was TOTALLY ME!! I have always been my parents’ spicy child had to learn the hard way type. So even though the lord kept telling me leave the situation before it got as bad as it did I didn’t I stayed and when it got too much and too deep I felt it was too late to ask for help. But the lord did pull me from the fire but I still was walking around wearing my burned clothes, I was still walking around wearing the ASHES from which he pulled me out of.
Isaiah 61:3- To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.
Do you know I had read this scripture and heard it a million times and never
read paid attention to the beauty for ashes part. Even listened to one of ministers at my church speak on it and never correlated what I was going through to this very scripture… Never once understood the impact of what was said here… The lord will give you beauty for your ashes!!! Literally he will take the pain you feel the literal HELL you have gone through and turn it for your good. Here I was thinking my pain was too much for anyone to bear but here he is saying GIVE IT TO ME. So that day this weekend I took off my tattered clothing, my burnt garments and gave them to him to wash and renew. I had for so long been running from being in relationships not because I am a playa playa from the Himalayas **insert Jerome from Martin right here** or because I was a bitter angry person or any of the other things out here it was literally because I was afraid to be hurt like that again. I didn’t want to be broken again I feared being let down again loving someone only to be mistreated again. But Jesus had to let me know he loves me so who cares if a man does or does not, he loves me so he will make sure that in the event someone does come along and its false love that he loves me enough that I can be able to let that love go if need be and not be broken. And that’s what its all about so now when I look at the quote I wrote on my whiteboard I can truly cross out fear and circle freedom because that is exactly what I am living in FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM! And in the words of Beyonce… from her perfectly titled new song Freedom…
“Imma keep running cause a winner don’t quit on himself.”
Love & Liberty